


We Have a Technical

by SubwayWolf



Category: Portal (Video Game)
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Bad Flirting, Birds, F/M, Hostage Situations, Robotics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-08
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-16 10:49:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2266911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SubwayWolf/pseuds/SubwayWolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wheatley's partially-vitriolic, semi-romantic experience with GLaDOS during their short time alone together in her lair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Have a Technical

**Author's Note:**

> I don't actually remember when or why or how I wrote this but it exists and I'm posting it here from Fanfic.net and I'm sorry?

You know it isn’t going to be a good day when a forty-foot fembot wraps two metal prongs around you and attempts murder.

The thud of impact when Wheatley hit the ground didn’t hurt him, for he was already in computer-generated shock. He waited in the corner of GLaDOS’s-…what was it, a lair? A labyrinth?...well, whatever it was, it was soggy and smelled worse than the human fecal matter Wheatley was forced to clean at the facility every other Wednesday. The sound of GLaDOS’s voice as she spoke to Chell was distorted and fuzzy in Wheatley’s mechanical processor. He kept his optic closed as he waited for the simulated pain to go away.

Wheatley wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but eventually he got around to opening his optical and peering around. He felt discouraged as he realized that GLaDOS had him up in the air again and was staring him right in his ocular. Wheatley glared into the face of the much larger and slightly-intimidating robot. “Hello,” he said, not as happily as before. 

GLaDOS stared back, looking him up and down, analyzing him. “Who do you think you are?”

A bit straightforward. Wheatley panicked, the sight of GLaDOS beginning to threaten him a bit. Mindlessly, he said, “I’m an undercover detective core. I’ve come to…ah…investigate.”

“Investigate what?” she hissed, sounding agitated.

The metal hands clasped tighter around Wheatley’s already damaged frame. “Ouch! I mean, uh… I’m investigating the cleanliness of the Aperture testing facility. I’m giving you a sixty percent. You’ve really let the place go.” Suddenly, the prongs dug deeper into Wheatley, sending a flush of replicated pain through him. Wheatley was unable to hold back a whimper as he winced and said, “Okay, okay! I’ll give you a 90%! That’s a good grade, right?”

GLaDOS, giving up, eased a bit of her grip, and Wheatley let out a relieved noise. She confronted him angrily with his claim. “You’re not an undercover core! If you were, then why would you be telling me?”

Wheatley looked around the room frantically, searching for an answer as if one were printed on the wall somewhere. “Oh, did I say I was an undercover core? I didn’t mean that. Honestly. I meant to say I was-”

“Shut up!” GLaDOS interrupted. “Listen. You did something horrible: brought her back. Why her? Why couldn’t you have chosen any of the other ten thousand test subjects? Anyone but her!”

Wheatley knew he was in trouble. He jumped as a spark flew out of his side, startling him. That was new. “I tried! I tried four other people before her. But they all…died. They’re dead.”

GLaDOS didn’t seem to care about the deaths Wheatley had caused. She was still focused on asking admonishing questions. “Why did you bring humans into the facility in the first place? 

He decided to speak, tell her the full story. He hoped that telling GLaDOS the truth would make her trust him. It wasn’t going to happen. Worth a shot, though. “I was…in charge of the test subjects in cryogenic storage. I didn’t pay attention for…a while. They all died. My fault? Not entirely. So there was a sort of an apocalyptic-type atmosphere. And the management was alerted. I, uh, panicked and knew I had to escape. Criminal, you think?” 

“Hmm,” she mused, aggravated. Not a straight answer. 

He held his breath, waiting with anticipation for her to continue. Was it anticipation? No, this wasn’t any sort of eagerness. This was something else which Wheatley recognized: horror.

“Anyway, I don’t have any arms. Of course. So I sent out five or so humans to find the Portal device to break us out of there.They died at some point in the cognitive gauntlet. And the last conscious test participant I could find before the facility exploded was her. So uh…that’s the summarization…please don’t be upset. Or at least any more distraught than you already are.”

GLaDOS glanced around her lair and agonizingly recognized the awful state it was in. She then looked back at Wheatley, looking more infuriated than before. “And what authority do you have to take anyone out of hypersleep, let alone her?” It was a good question, but she gave Wheatley no time to answer. “You moronic little metal ball. Every decision you make results in error. Escaping from Aperture without consent from the management? That’s a felony. Corrupted Core penitentiary is a real place where you will be sent. There’s nothing you can…”

GLaDOS continued to speak, but Wheatley tuned her out. Or at least he tried to. Her voice echoed around the room, bouncing off the walls and piercing through Wheatley’s sound receptors. 

The place reeked of French fries and bird poo. He didn’t like the scent. He didn’t like feeling insignificant in the fingers of a giant robot. He didn’t like – in fact, he hated – the situation he was in. Loathed it. And he just couldn’t take it. He had been the cause of death of four test subjects, and they possibly could have been accompanied with ten thousand more. Chell was one less; Wheatley was going to make sure of that. 

GLaDOS was still on her tirade. “…and because of your unreserved senselessness, her determination will-” 

“You’re just scared,” he mindlessly interrupted. “You’re afraid of her, mate.” Wheatley was digging himself into a hole, but he didn’t care at this point. He wanted to get his point across before he died.

GLaDOS stopped talking immediately. It took her a moment to realize that, for once, she was being spoken back to in just as irate of a voice as she used for her entire life. She didn’t like it. “How dare you speak to me like that? And I’m not your ‘mate’. Do not call me that again.”

Wheatley was uncomfortable, in pain, and sick of being afraid. “Yeah, well what are you going to do to me?”

“Kill you,” she said matter-of-factly. She brought Wheatley closer so she could see him more clearly. 

Wheatley froze, fear risen over him again and all hopes of masculinity flushed out of him. “Oh,” he shuddered. “Right.”

The two glared at each other (well, it was mainly GLaDOS doing the glaring at this point as Wheatley cowered in fear) for a while in silence. It was quiet except for something distant clanking its way down the walls of the incinerator duct.

“Hmm,” GLaDOS hummed. She was contemplating something. Wheatley’s chance of survival, perhaps?

Wheatley suddenly had grasped the idea that he should try to win her over. But how? Engaging her in an intellectual conversation wouldn’t work for more than a second before Wheatley wouldn’t be able to think of anything brainy. He couldn’t even think of anything smart to begin with anyway, so he threw that idea out the window. 

He went to option B and tried to look cute, looking up at her, trying to look sweet and innocent. She didn’t notice or maybe it just wasn’t working on her. 

Then came option C. “Did I ever tell you,” Wheatley said, “How attractive I think you are?”

In reply, GLaDOS jerked back a little in surprise. For once, she had nothing to say. She eased her grip in astonishment, and almost dropped Wheatley in result. Maybe she hadn’t heard that before. And if that were the case, Wheatley was going to milk this moment dry. 

“Truly. Your voice is mystic...in a sexy way. Total music to my sound receptors. And you look so clean, even though you have been dead. For a while. And I’ve seen dead people, and they look really bad. You…well, I know you aren’t a person, but still. Not as grim as that…”

And it was then, in that moment, when Wheatley realized that what he was saying was absolutely true. Was it weird to be attracted to the forty-foot, revenge-seeking, science-crazy beauty? It had to have been. In some way.

He continued, trying to pay no attention to his realization. “The complete opposite of grim, might I add. Do you know any opposite words? Antonyms? How about…alluring. Gorgeous. And that’s definitely not arbitrary. I mean it.”

GLaDOS repeated, “Hmm.” 

“And you’re huge! …not fat. Didn’t mean fat. I meant like…in size. You’re in proportion to yourself, not like…overweight. It’s kind of intimidating. But…I like that! I do. I like a woman who can scare the heck out of me and still make…uh…make my heart melt at the same time. Yeah, and the colour of your eye is just mesmerizing.”

GLaDOS wasn’t buying it. 

Wheatley cleared his throat. “And you may think that I’m speaking drivel but…really. I’m being honest.”

“Cute,” she said, not amused. 

The grip tightened. It literally squeezed the words right out of Wheatley. “I’m not lying! Don’t think I’m lying. Or being sarcastic. I shouldn’t have told you. I’m sorry. Really. I am. If I offended you…although I don’t know how I could have. But…whatever’s making you mad, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” GLaDOS said. This was time for another one of her contemptuous comments again. “I know I’m pretty.”

“Agh!” Wheatley groaned in a sudden fit of frustration. “I don’t know how to tell you without you being skeptical!”

“Tell me what?” she asked.

This irritated Wheatley even further. He wanted to lash out again but knew it would backfire. He just groaned. “Tell you…what I think of you. That I like you. A lot. However, personality could use a bit of work. You could be nicer, but… that’s up to you! Of course. I can’t make decisions for you, love.”

“You like me?” GLaDOS asked in surprise. She chuckled softly. “Ingenuous. Childish, actually. Metal ball, what makes you think that a worthless little personality core like you would even come close to me?” 

Wheatley looked down in shame. A feeling of rejection. He wasn’t fond of it. He didn’t want to give up, but he knew that was the only way he could stop the bad feeling. So he said nothing. 

“Oh, come on,” she pleaded taciturnly. “If it makes you feel any better, you are surely the cutest core I’ve ever seen.”

Wheatley lit up, suddenly invigorated. He looked up at the lovely GLaDOS, feeling himself turn a little bit hot from excitement as another fit of sparks escaped his right side again, this time going unnoticed. He chirped happily, “Really?”

“No,” she said pragmatically. Wheatley immediately felt dejected again. She continued, “I don’t mean to make you feel bad. You are really…nice. But I’m going to have to kill you now. Sorry.”

The prongs slowly began to dig into Wheatley’s sides again. He was too emotionally upset to feel any of the simulated pain. He felt like crap and just got rejected, plus the girl of his dreams was about to kill him. This was the worst way to die. 

Suddenly, a sort of rapid fluttering noise came from above, and the murder was halted while the two robots looked up into the air at the direction the sound was coming from. Their vision was met by a dark winged creature, which creaked out a screeching “caw!” as it approached them. A bird!

Suddenly Wheatley was released from GLaDOS’s grasp and plummeted toward the floor. He was unable to hold back a scream as he fell to the ground below him and hit the earth with a rough impact yet again.

The force of the landing also caused him to roll halfway across the room, conveniently coming to a friction-induced halt when he reached the door that he and Chell had used to first enter the den. 

In another state of shock, Wheatley looked up at GLaDOS as she screamed, “Ah! Get that bird away from me! That malicious monster!” and swung around helplessly as the crow attacked her. After taking his last look, Wheatley turned and rolled away out of the lair and down the pathway leading away from it.

All he had to do was find a management rail, and he’d be on his way to breaking he and Chell out of there. And all he had to worry about was how in the world he was going to get up to the management rail from the floor. 

He also had to worry about death. There was that, too.


End file.
